POOR MENTAL HEALTH IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR POOR BEHAVIOR #Chapter1 #23

Mental illness does not excuse poor behavior—ever. While the challenges of mental health conditions are real and complex, accountability remains essential in personal growth and relationship success. Our actions often speak louder than words, but the language we use can significantly impact communication outcomes. In this episode, mental health advocate Jennifer Stirling-Campbell shares powerful examples of both ineffective and effective communication strategies, particularly during moments of anger or emotional stress. Learning how to manage anger, communicate clearly, and break negative behavioral patterns is key to building healthier relationships. Mental illness may affect emotional regulation, but it should never be used to justify harmful or disrespectful behavior.

View all LINKS and supporting content mentioned in this episode HERE:
https://imaquarius.com/mental-illness-is-not-an-excuse-for-poor-behavior-23/

This Episode if for YOU if You Want to Learn:
-How to Use Excuses and "Buts" Effectively in Self-Advocacy
-Why Saying "But" Can Undermine Your Message in Communication
-How to Become Your Own Best Advocate Through Effective Communication
-The Science of Mental Illness and Behavior: Understanding Accountability vs. Excuses
-The Art of Balancing Compassion and Accountability in Healthy Relationships
-How to Express Emotions Without Blaming Others
-How to Track Mental Health Progress Daily With the 3x5 Card Method
-How Accountability Drives Personal Growth and Stronger Relationships

Chapters

• 0:00 Mental Illness is Not an Excuse for Poor Behavior
• 2:48 Self Advocacy Definition
• 3:51 Tracking Victories Over Temptations
• 5:52 05:52 How to Take Control of Our Emotions and Reactions
• 8:57 How to Communicate Effectively in a Relationship
• 11:52 How to Manage Anger and Emotional Outbursts
• 13:33 Outro Music and Legal Disclaimer

Transcript

0:20

Some people aren't going to like this, but it's true. There is no excuse for poor behavior. It's just poor behavior. Mental illness is not an excuse for poor behavior. I admit it, and I've experienced it. Living with mental illness, like depression, is excruciatingly difficult, and it's extremely hard not to do the things we normally do when we're angry and depressed, which tend to be lash out, yell at someone, run away, get bitter, slam a door, say things we regret, all those lovely things. And I want to emphasize that I really do get it. I do want to offer compassion because I know what it is like to live feeling like you're the Hulk and a simple trigger might set you off uncontrollably and it does feel like out of control. Some people, most people I would say who have not experienced mental illness on some level cannot possibly understand what that feels like. It's not impossible to control ourselves when we're like that, when we're struggling with depression and anger. It's just extremely difficult. And usually it's only a matter of time of using willpower until that willpower runs out, our strength runs out, and we blow up or we do the thing that we said we'd never do again, or we hurt somebody we love. That can often lead to us (and I know I did) hating ourselves because we're living in this body that we seemingly can't control, right? And it's awful. I lived with it for 25 years and it literally felt like a monster was living in my body and acting out in ways that I was just sitting there going, my gosh, it's happening again.' And I was almost an outsider looking in and going, NOOO! It's just awful and it's awful to live with people like I was, okay? So despite that there were still people in my life who loved me and who didn't abandon me and who didn't give up on me. I know there's probably people out there who did not have that kind of support, and do not have that kind of support, and my heart goes out to you. That must be so hard. But you do have YOU. You can be your biggest advocate. And you do have source, your higher power. Now want to share something I read in a book called Putting on the Whole Armor of God by Stephen A. Kramer. And it is a Christian book, so if you're not Christian, please translate this according to your belief system. It's going to use the words Satan and so forth. That is what I believe, some form of darkness, if you will. But again, if that just means the dark side of yourself or temptations in general, you insert that please and just try to be open-minded to what Stephen has to say. He says basically that focusing on the temptations or encounters that we have conquered each day with darkness is crucial to winning our battles with Satan. Because if we focus only on the failures, which feel quite big and like utter despair in some cases, at least for my remembrance, we unwittingly chain ourselves to our defeats. So we're focusing on the failures, right? Measuring the opposition and discovering we are winning more than half of the battles will increase our enthusiasm and confidence. And I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that probably most of us are winning more than half the battles. It's just the ones we lose that are the most obvious, right? So here's how it works. Every time we successfully resist a temptation or an urge to do something that we don't want to do, we place a slash mark in the victory column on a 3x5 card that we're just carrying around with us throughout the day. So if you're a mother, for example, and you resisted yelling at your child or losing your temper and making them feel bad, nine times out of 10, or even five out of ten, you know, on a bad day it might not be that good and on a better day it might be better, but if you're keeping track, you can see how this might give you more confidence that you are actually doing a pretty good job at winning most of your battles, even if you lose sometimes. That's a good thing. Suppose we average 10 temptation battles a day where part of us wants to give into that temptation. So Then in one week we would have faced the enemy and done battle with temptation 70 times. Now suppose we gave in and indulged the desire on the last day. If we only kept score of the number of days between failures, we would only have six victories. And this could be very discouraging, like six victories out of seven, seven days. If we're only keeping track of the days, we didn't yell at the kids, right? But this kind of scoring does not give ourselves proper credit. Seven days times 10 temptations a day equals 70 confrontations with the enemy in one week. And if we only gave in once, then we have achieved 69 victories. If we gave in twice, we still have 68 victories. Even if we gave in once a day, there would still be 63 victories out of 70 battles. Satan tries to make us think we are losing when we are actually winning. I would challenge anyone willing to take that challenge, get that 3x5 card out every time you feel the urge to do the thing you're trying not to do. Mark it up. I won that one. And on the other side, mark the times that it didn't go so well. And at the end of the week, look at your tally. How did you do? I think you're probably doing better than you think. And I think that's awesome. Now with that said, when we do do that thing, yell at the kids, get triggered, I throw a tantrum, say things we regret, you know, the things we do when we've lost it, okay? Those things are bound to happen, but it's not an excuse for the behavior and I want you to be clear that I'm, again, not shaming, I'm just trying to bring reality to how it can be better handled. So... Have you ever said any of these things? I know I have. Here's the first one."You made me mad." Or "I wouldn't have done that or said that if you hadn't triggered me." Like, it's your fault. It's your fault I lost it, right? Instead, OWN IT. Don't deflect it. Take your ownership of your part that you played and the fact that you lost your temper. Or did whatever it was. You can say something like, I didn't like what you did and I don't think that what you did was okay. You can acknowledge that too and express our frustration. But my elevated emotions are my problem and I'm sorry for reacting so strongly. I am trying to do better. Again, just taking ownership of it. Nobody likes excuses. People like to be understood for sure. We all like to be understood, but seeking to... project our problems under onto other people is very unattractive at best and a lie at worst. So if you can try to temper when you do lose it and think about what you're gonna say and how you're going to say it before you say it, take all the time you need and apologize and do it right, not with the "but" involved. And that's the next example I'm going to give. I'm sure I've said this something like this before, I'm sorry I did that, but I have chronic depression and it's hitting me really hard today. So basically the word "but" negates the apology. It makes the person feel very unvalidated or it doesn't feel like an apology frankly at all. So rather than using "but" in that way, you can say something like,"I want you to know that I'm struggling a lot with depression today, but that is in no way your fault. And it's no excuse for what I just did. I'm so sorry. What can I do to help fix this?" And if you notice there was a "but" in there, but the the struggle was stated first. I'm struggling today, but I'm sorry. And essentially saying, it's no excuse for what I did. Okay? The other way sounds like, yeah, I did it and you should just put up with it because I have depression. Not cool. In my later years of healing where I started becoming more aware and trying to change the way I spoke, I'm a very passionate person and it's usually a, I would call it a righteous anger these days, but sometimes it can be very intense and I can admit that and admit that I still have a long way to go. However, one of my wins was years ago when I was a single mom and I can't remember what I was upset about, but my kids were at home with me and they were just annoying me. They weren't maybe hearing everything I said or doing everything I asked and they were trying. They weren't being bad. I just, I was frustrated with life and that clearly isn't my children's fault. So I'm sitting there and I can't remember what set it off but I just started yelling and just raising my voice and blah blah blah blah blah and my children were sitting there going, 'what the??' and I said at the top of my voice, this is not your fault! This is not your fault. This is me! This is my problem! You did nothing to deserve this! Please ignore me! I just need to yell for a while! Everything's going to be okay! This is not your fault! And it seemed like when I said that they were like, 'Okay,' and they went about their business. They're like, okay, cool. But I think, especially children, when we're losing it, they'll take it personally. Like, shoot, I didn't put the fork away in the fork bowl. I put it in the spoon bowl instead. That's silly example. But you see what I'm saying where, just pissed mom off. No, it's not your fault that I was irritated by that really stupid thing. That wasn't a big deal.'MY problem,' and just letting them know. That can be huge for relationship building with your children, especially when you're healing and often when we're healing we can be a little bit, sometimes a little more ornery because stuff's coming up and we're trying to work it out and it can feel maybe like a little bit of a danger zone and so learning how to communicate that when we're struggling so that people around us realize that it's not them, it's me, it's not you, it's me. That can be very comforting to those around us at least and like, "I will get through this I promise I just need some time." Another example of using the word "but" in a very poor way is complaining about how your significant other made you upset.'You did this thing, but I love you.' And that is actually the right way to do it because it lets them know it because the but tends to negate or minimize what came before and amplify what came after. And so if you state, I have a problem with this, but I love you, it's very reassuring. It sounds very different than, I love you, but I don't like it when you do these things. It sounds conditional. Do you feel the difference? I know I do. Back to yelling and screaming. If I hadn't been a single mom with itty-bitties, it would have been a little easier to walk away. I probably could have done this anyway for a few minutes in that situation. Would have probably been better. And let me say it again, when you feel like yelling and screaming, it's not appropriate to force everyone around you to listen to it. I've fallen into that category before. We want to emphasize the intensity of our displeasure in some circumstances and punish those around us for... making us mad or whatever it is that we're, you know, we lose our minds when we're mad sometimes. I know that that's a thing, but if you can at least try and practice when you get to the point of 'I need to yell,' leave, go on a walk, lock the bedroom door, scream into a pillow, don't go throwing that energy all over people and all over your house. And when you do, just say you're sorry. Again, mean it. Don't make an excuse just say I'm sorry, having a bad day, not your fault, my problem. Because unfortunately, if we start yelling and screaming and saying things we regret to the people we love, it ends up being the grandest speech that we'll ever regret. I know that from experience. So again, use your "butts" wisely, take accountability, express your feelings, but again, own what you did. Don't blame it on the disorder. I hope that that's understandable and that I've expressed that in a way that you can understand. It's kind of a hard principle, but I'm really proud of you for being here. Thank you so much for coming. We'll see you next time.