7: Don't Ever Say This to Someone Struggling With Depression

Learn how to communicate effectively with someone struggling with depression and why phrases like “I’m worried about you” can backfire and unintentionally cause more harm than good.  In this episode, you’ll also learn how to speak in ways that reduce shame, prevent arguments, and build deeper connection. With practical examples and compassionate guidance, this episode will give you the confidence to support someone with depression in a way that fosters hope, reduces defensiveness, builds trust, and creates emotional safety in difficult conversations. 

View all LINKS and supporting content mentioned in this episode HERE: https://imaquarius.com/dont-ever-say-this-to-someone-struggling-with-depression-solo-7/

This episode of the Overcome Depression Podcast is for you if you want to learn:

• How to talk to someone with depression without pushing them away
• What to say instead of “I’m worried about you”
• Practical communication techniques that build trust and emotional safety
• How to avoid arguments and reduce defensiveness in tough conversations
• Simple ways to encourage hope and support depression recovery

Transcript

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Welcome to the Overcome Depression podcast where we offer hope and healing for those struggling with depression. I am your host Jennifer Stirling Campbell and today we are going to be talking about four words never to say to someone who is depressed. So there are some things that you don't want to say to someone struggling with an eating disorder, and there's things you don't want to say to someone struggling with anxiety, and some things you don't want to say to someone who just struggles with the words that you're saying. And this particular sentence, while no one wants to really hear this, is especially damaging to someone, I believe, struggling with depression. the words are? I'm worried about you. And the reason that I'm worried about you is the wrong thing to say to someone who's depressed is because they're already worried about themselves. They already know that they're struggling. and that maybe if other people are losing hope in them that they should just lose hope altogether. The words, I'm worried about you, I think are often said in earnest because we care, but the person who's receiving those words, it's often doing more damage than good. Alternatively, if we offer words such as, this is really hard, I know you're going through this hard thing, or this is really hard to watch, I love you so much, and I don't want you to get hurt, or I don't want you to continue down this path, or I am struggling with this decision you're making, like the energy is different. you can then say something along the lines of, I know you can do this. I know God has a plan for you. I know you are capable that God has given you gifts and talents that you may not see yet that will help you get through this. With God, I know you can do this. And I hope and pray you let Him. That's what we need to hear. Or something similar along those lines. You can rephrase it. But try to steer away from, I'm worried about you. you're not doing what I think you should do. So I'm worried about you. I just wanted to end with some messages from a woman named Anna Louise Walker. She's no longer with us and probably not renowned or famous, but was shared to me by a friend who knew her personally. with individuals and families, and he said that she just had this way of communicating with people in ways that they were willing and open to listening to her. And she had this incredible love for the people that she was working with so they would actually open up and start to change. And I want to say that I am not there in any sense of the word. Sometimes I struggle in my communication and I would like to become better especially when it comes to my children, my husband, my friends and family. And some of the suggestions that she shared for communication start with fundamental techniques in handling people. And the principle number one is don't criticize, condemn, or complain. And I'm going to have a list of these on my website, overcomedepressionpodcast.com, so you can print this off for yourself. Principle two, give honest and sincere appreciation. Principle number three, arouse in the other person an eager want. So it comes from encouragement, not suppression, right? Then six ways to make people like you. Principle become genuinely interested in other people. So talk about them, not yourself, which sometimes I struggle with, honestly. Principle number two, smile. Principle number three, remember that a person's name is the sweetest and most important sound in any language. And I know this and I'm really bad at names. So I agreed to coach the three year old soccer team and I'm like, I just had a baby, but no one would volunteer. And so I finally agreed to volunteer. And then we went to the first practice yesterday and I realized why everybody pretty much had new babies. and a three year old, all these young families. And so I started coaching these three year olds, but I asked everyone to send me pictures of their kids before the first practice so that I could practice their names. And oh what a difference it made. those kids responded because I knew their names. Principle four, be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. we need to be listening about 70 % of the time, maybe talking about 30 % of the time. Again, not something that's not necessarily easy for me. Principle 5, talk in terms of the other person's interests. And Principle 6, make the other person feel important and do it sincerely. You're not just doing it because you want something, in other words, or you want them to like you. You're doing it because you care about them. Here are her suggestions for how to win people to your own way of thinking. How to not get into fights, essentially, especially if you're talking about religion or politics. We talked about that in the recent podcast number 52, Depressed About the ICE Agent Shooting, A New Perspective. So if you haven't heard that one, go check it out. So principle number one, the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. So my thought was, well, how do you avoid an argument if you're talking about topics? Well, let's keep going. Principle two, show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say you're wrong or some variation of that. Principle number three, if you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. Don't try to justify yourself or beat around it, right? Just say, yeah, you're right. Principle four, begin in a friendly way. Principle number five, get the other person saying yes, yes immediately. Like you're saying something that resonates them, so they're going, yes, yes, yes. I thought that was incredible advice. Principle six, let the other person do a great deal of the talking. Again, about 70%, them, 30 % you. could take that advice myself. Principle seven, let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. That can be considered manipulation, but in a good way. That they're coming up with their answers because you're possibly asking the right questions Principle eight, try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view. it helps a lot when you're not thinking about the next thing you're going to say. You're just listening, Principle number nine. Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires. Principle 10, appeal to the nobler motives, where their opinion is coming from, even if you are 100 % against how they feel. Try to find the motivation behind what they're saying, which is probably based in a good cause. It may be the right reason, but the wrong thing, but you're still trying to appeal to their higher values, right? Principle 11, dramatize your ideas. Maybe tell stories, make them interesting and fun or funny. Principle 12, throw down a challenge. So her suggestions for being a leader. And she says, a leader's job often includes changing your people's attitudes and behavior, Not forcing people to do it, encouraging them to do it themselves. Some suggestions. To accomplish this, our principle number one, begin with praise and honest appreciation. Number two, call attention to people's mistakes indirectly. So don't embarrass them in public and maybe do it in a way that will not call them out, but they'll pick up on, I shouldn't have done that. Principle three, talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. Principle four, Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. Make them think, right? Principle five, let the other person save face. don't humiliate them. if they make a mistake, try to make the situation less embarrassing for them and then In a situation I was in at the airport I was with two other gentlemen and I was nowhere near the area where they were loading the plane. And you have to have an exact count of the bags before you load the plane. And you're supposed to count as well as use the technology to count the bags on your device. the device ran out of battery. and the other person had not been counting manually. And he was really upset because the other guy let the device fail and he was trying to blame the other guy and was really mad because we were all gonna get in trouble because the plane was gonna be late. Well, I ran back to the office, which was, I would say at least a quarter mile away. We got another device. Manager came out, helped us get the plane off. I talked to the two other guys. The guy was fuming about the other guy, not making sure that the device had enough battery. It's his fault. And I said, you know, we all could have stopped this from happening. We all played a part. We could have counted the bags. I knew I was nowhere near where they needed to be counting the bags, but I included myself in that equation to deflate the man who was upset and it worked like a He calmed down immediately because I wasn't saying, well, you should have been Counting the bags. I said we could have counted the bags. And we didn't. we learned from this. Let's move on. You we all played a part. And we did. And it was okay. I think none of us got in too much trouble that day, which was nice. So again, let the other person save face. be cast in blame game if not necessary. Principle six. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your appreciation and lavish in your praise, even if it's just a little improvement. works great for toddlers too. principle number seven, give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. Principle eight, use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. This isn't to minimize their struggle if they're really struggling with something, but to again, give them that confidence that you can do this, not I'm worried about you. You can do this. What do you need? With help, we can make this easier for you, Principle 9, make the other person happy about doing the things you suggest. I know that's a long list, but I'll provide it on my website if you want to click the link below this podcast. Just some things to think about and maybe pick one of them and think about it the next time you have a conversation, no matter what it is. No matter what it is. It could be a difficult one, it could be an easy conversation, but just start making least one of these habit. Again, these aren't all easy for me but certainly a good way to help people not see your side of things is to get angry and start arguing. And I think the art of not arguing, but allowing the person to basically try to argue with you and then you just be that person who's refusing to argue back. You're just using these techniques. What a beautiful gift. It's one that I want to absolutely master one day. the more of us who master this, we can make this world a more peaceful and beautiful place. So with that said, thank you for listening to the Overcome Depression podcast this week. I hope that some of these ideas have given you some inspiration to work towards and I'm Jennifer Stirling Campbell. See you soon.